Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!
Yesterday started in shambles. I did not get much sleep the night before and I did not want to go to church, I just wanted to sleep. I knew that was my inner demons trying to separate me from the body of the church. I will say they almost won but I just got up and said “I know I will feel better when I go”. Yet I did not feel better – I was surrounded by all my demons – sadness, loneliness, depression, pain. Once I got to church I was rushed and did not get a moment to breathe. I sat down and felt so alone in a room full of people who love and care for me. Pastor was talking about Joy and how we receive Joy. That is a feeling that has been absent in my life. Pastor touched on this passage:
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
“Because you trust in him” Pastor went on to focus that in order to trust in someone you must have a relationship with them and to be present. I keep asking for God to fill me with the light and love. Yet I am full of pain and despair as a close friend pointed out. How am I to be filled with life if I am full of darkness. And that Joy will come if I put my complete trust in him. This was hard for me to digest. I left church rocked and I did not feel I had an outlet to share.
Later on a good friend checked in with me and I ended up visiting her. She and I talked about my concerns and feelings and she showed me this video:
After watching it, shedding a few tears I am read to say:
I release myself to him to chisel me in his image and to walk with me. I am nothing without your love and grace and I wholeheartedly trust you will not give me anything I can not handle.